Well I didn't see any comments except from Kate who I guess doesn't think I am a cruel mom doing this series of cracking down on Liam. Yes, a timeline of the whole night makes it seem even worse, but this is a journal for me to see what my life was like back in the day when I had a 5 month old. History in the making... so I know it's not interesting and maybe it isn't right sometimes, but this is my record of things I am trying as a new mom. I just don't want to forget how this all went in the beginning. Since it is so fresh for me, it sounds as if I am a wimp who lost a little sleep and is overreacting. I fully admit I am a wimp. (I started admitting that in the delivery room! God bless you women who have done all that with no pain releif! Wow!) I admire all women who have 2-12 kids and have been sleep walking for years. It's just not my thing. I am not myself without sleep. Sleep and I were best friends and now we are so out of touch. It's interesting that nature requires us to sleep, but nature also takes sleep away from us when we give birth to a child. Why? (don't answer that)
New paragraph, new thought... The pacifier. Should we take it away at bedtime so he can sooth himself to sleep? That thing is a body part to him... if he loses it before he is in a DEEP sleep, he freaks out! Since he was 3 months old I have thought, "Yeah, he'll be able to put that thing back in his mouth pretty soon, we'll keep helping him until he can do it himself." Well 2 months later he isn't showing signs that he can find it and get it back in even 20% of the time. Putting-the-pacifier-back-in-own-mouth is not a text book landmark for babies, so how much longer should we wait and see? 2 more weeks or 2 more months? As menial as it is, it's frustrating to me.
I know every new mom is torn between many decisions as they raise their children. Tonight I feel so guilty about last night, that all I want to do is go take Liam out of the office and take him upstairs and carry on with the old routine. When he woke up this morning I felt like I had to overcompensate with being a super duper fun mom to him cuz I felt so bad for what I did to him last night. Like, "I am the disciplinarian, but I want to be your friend too... please like me, I am a cool fun mom, right?" I never thought I would have to think about this so early. It's dumb that I am thinking about it too because he is a 5 month old... he isn't going to remember all this! All I am trying to do is teach him how to sleep properly, but I am not experienced so like in the beginning of all things, you feel like a failure. Plus he really lights up for his daddy and I want him to look at me like that. I feel like I am just the food source... he doesn't even nurse for comfort like most babies do, so I really feel like I have to do more to win his affection. But I am too tired to be a super exciting mom to him. Where can I buy a 8hrs-of-rest pill?
Liam, I love you... I am doing my best. Hopefully I will be the most qualified mom when your memories start to stick.